slowly softening

the thread of life - lee harris

2012-02-09T14:12:00.000-08:00

joy!

2012-02-02T18:02:00.000-08:00

woohoo!!! I got 10 out of 10 on my third bird songs quiz.

Yeah!!! Yeah!!! Yeah!!!

And I only got ONE WRONG on twigs. HOLY CRAP!!! OMG. THAT IS AMAZING!!!!!!

thank you, thank you, thank you!! I am so grateful.

LIFE IS GOOD. G.O.O.D.!!!!

I had fun with Sarah today and I ran into Nicki twice and we chatted.

There is amazing support - I reached out to a consultant and he spent some time on the phone with me helping me understand the business. SO GRATEFUL. And I'm going to meet J.C. about the Chimney Swift project. Oh yes!!! And another company (in Ottawa) has some great projects listed - so I must meet up with them. And two of the bird count areas are near my house. LIFE IS UNFOLDING AMAZINGLY!!! My friend wants to work on the tours again this summer and I am just going to be so busy. (Must start scheduling those dates for the work with Buenos Aires and the Ecology Centre on the east coast and I already have a ton of people signed up for the course online. Next is the accepted book proposal - must meet the first deadline to write four chapters!! And that chunk of money is going towards the triplex I'm renovating. After I consult on the biodiversity projects for the downtown CFB base.)

others

2012-01-14T10:06:00.000-08:00

xmas manifestations

2011-12-22T05:28:00.001-08:00

Other manifestations:

- wanted to watch "Shop Around the Corner" and then let it go - saw this on my list and wow! I watched it last Sunday morning
- thought about changes between us and just that evening he surprised me, was my hero (and helped out a friend in need)
- wanted to work with her but the price was too much, she wrote back a couple of days later and told me she would reduce the price
- email from RVCA (just when I was feeling down) and other from RUE

together

2011-12-10T12:54:00.000-08:00

- go to the Piggy Market and tried out some of their dried chirozo...

- maybe a walk around the lake at night to see xmas lights?

- laid back relaxed dinner at Sandy Hill Lounge Grill

- go to a new coffee shop: Blumen Studio (465 Parkdale Ave.) or Happy Goat and check out the display at Cube Gallery

- a new Friday night tradition: swim at the Y

- go to a pub and try out the Kitchissippi beer!

- check out some new buildings: Algonquin College and new IKEA

- visit to the west side for M & M and maybe some Art (is bakery)

- soup truck!!! and to Nepean for some Growlers! Chinese restuarant (Bespoke)

- cook at home with funky ingredients!

all is well

2011-12-03T09:26:00.001-08:00

"With the November/December 2011 Mercury Retrograde, the major issue of goals, plans and directions are up for revision. We are on the threshold of major change and transition regarding our direction, location and purpose. The road that we have been on for this year of 2011 now requires that we make choices and decisions. The road had ended and we must choose to go right or left, we can no longer continue the way we have. This Mercury retrograde is setting the stage for the shift out of 2011 and movement into 2012, a universal FIVE year (in numerology terms) which represents CHANGE, BREAKTHROUGH AND FREEDOM. You will need to be ready to break free from the past and move into new directions, shifting your goals, location and purpose. This Mercury retrograde is also host to a Solar and Lunar Eclipse, signalling that the changes we make are setting a new pace for the NEW YEAR of 2012." From Alpha Life Trends

Cannot wait to see what Lee Harris has to say about 2012!

And crazy that I read Rob Brezsny's horoscope this week and it said:

"Biologists say there are 680 species of trees and shrubs in the U.S. and Canada. By comparison, Lambir Hills National Park on the island of Borneo is the home of 1,175 species on its 128 acres. I suspect you will feel right at home in places like Lambir Hills in the coming week, Leo. Your own creative urges will be running hotter than usual, and are most likely to thrive in contexts that are themselves teeming with lush fertility and rich diversity. Please surround yourself with inspirational influences, thereby giving yourself the best possible chance to express yourself with vivid imagination."

dreams

2011-11-17T13:53:00.000-08:00

I was being more loyal to my fears than to my dreams!

“Can you at least commit to being on your own side here? Can you just take the step to say back to your tenderest heart, Okay honey, I’ll be on your side. I can’t promise you results, but I will try to get what you want.”

It is a pivotal moment of saying, “Yes, honey, yes, we are going for this. I’ve got your back.”

Darling We Went for It! - Tara Sophia Mohr

express

2011-11-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

1 | 2 | 3
4 | 5 | 6
7 | 8 | 9

relax

2011-10-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

Did my first vinyassa flow class here and at the studio I read this:

tension is who you think you should be, relaxation is who you are
- Chinese Proverb

love! what perfect wisdom for me at this very moment as I really start slowing down to be able to listen to my body and hear the messages I've been avoiding for too long...

simple

2011-10-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

"The journey of a lifetime is in a single step from No to Yes."

the 99%

2011-10-07T05:55:00.000-07:00

loving this:

care for the collective... model for a new society... holding space to make people conscious... collective liberation.... a shift - internal finally being externalized...

occupy wallstreet

unlimited

2011-09-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

Do you think, that if someone finally realized that their thoughts became the things and events of their life; began believing that they were truly unlimited; and started to grasp that divine intervention could be freely summoned by anyone to help make their dreams come true, they'd continue doing the same old things, living the same old life, and waiting for the same old miracles?

Or would they begin thinking things they've never thought before, saying things they've never said before, and doing things they've never done before?

Precisely.

The Universe

diamonds

2011-08-08T11:33:00.000-07:00

Laced throughout every day of your life, Kif, are hidden highways of opportunity, invisible crossroads of time, and golden avenues for personal transformation that if only traveled upon would reveal the extraordinary, the sublime, and the unexpected.

Yet most slip by undetected until there's first a childlike wonder at the ordinary, the routine, and the expected.

Hot diggity-dog,
The Universe

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It's like I want to do a "do-over". I want to see my life unfold as it should and I think the turning point is school. To know what I'm capable of, what I can offer and then to go out into the world and see what opportunities are given and where I can go with all this. With the gifts that I am supposed to offer the world.

It's said that everything you need to know is already within you. Sometimes I wonder if going back to school is the right thing, or if I should just see what my experience and passions can lead me to RIGHT NOW. But part of school for me is not about learning (although I DO need to "set aside" time to be able to focus on my new interests) it's really about creating a space where I can redefine MANY things. How I see myself, how I treat myself, how I practice my spirituality and how I apply it to so many things in life. It's about slowing things down and hoping that creativity, love, passion and a changed perspective can become my new priorities.

small magics in july and august

2011-08-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

- dragonfly on shoulder (image on greeting card + butterfly image)

- wondering if there is a bar… and then the next day Ms. G. tells me about one (Standard on Elgin)

- today feels like a hotdog day (and then Ms. KP emails)

- wanting two books (finding both at Costco)

- talking about croquet and then there they are... playing in their yard as we drive by.

and bigger magic... I woke up from a dream about someone cutting off the top of "my" tree. It was the last possession day of my house. Went over to clean and do last minute touches and then at noon I left (after taking photos). Told V. that I felt like I had to go back and went back just to say good bye (and thank you) to the maple and the ash and I found that the twine I had used with the ash was starting to get tight around the trunk of the tree... so I cut it off.

Then as I was driving home... I realized the connection between the dream and what just happened...

so easy...

2011-07-18T20:38:00.000-07:00

A Life Coaching Tip from The Universe:

The time will come, and it will be sooner rather than later, when your greatest admirers and protégés will look at your life - your achievements, possessions (especially your thriving non profit and creative business), and passions - frown a little and sullenly say, "Yeah, but for you... it was easy."

At which point you should conceal any yearning you may possess to either object or laugh hysterically. Instead, lovingly look them square in the eye and say, "Yes, and it can be easy for you, too."

Get used to it,
The Universe

Finally it feels like things are really solidifying – the messages about my body that I’m sending to myself – am making efforts to change it and really appreciate what I have and what my body does for me. : )

And regarding people pursuing their dreams. Just trusting and going where they are called and letting things happen. Being open to possibility...

What will happen when I let go of the known and just see where this leads? I really want to trek, explore, lend a hand and act. I really want to hear about this great project and just go and participate.

Two people asked me this week what I would do if money weren’t an object. I have this feeling that I’m going to find that out soon enough…

I talked to V. about imagining myself writing another check for $10,000 in three years, a small part of a larger amount that was magically received... So easy, without worry and that it will be good karma money comes from something good...

I just have to trust and let it happen. And take those proverbial small steps.

Five things that make me happy this week

2011-07-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

- smooth legs from shaving
- a cool breeze on my back
- radishes & butter on toast
- a sparkly clean fresh-smelling bathroom
- a good read (lent by a friend)

monday morning rain...

2011-07-11T06:49:00.001-07:00

Monday morning it rains... in a couple more weeks we are leaving this sweet house for good. In two months I will be starting a new direction in my "career". And just this last weekend, I got to enjoy some of life's little pleasures.

It's summer and the cool rain brings some relief to the heat. Now I don't have to water my garden today! I've been thinking alot about swimming in the pond - must get out and do that soon. I really am so thrilled that I have the month of August off, I haven't had time like that since I was a teenager. Summers don't mean the same without having a nice long vacation. I want to linger in these delicious moments, feeling them to the core, becoming them.

Today (my day off) I will go pick up a new set of prescription glasses. I will pack a few more boxes and make a few phone calls. I'll sit with my cat and have dinner outside with the bfriend. We will finish up the rosé and the gelato from our Sunday dinner with my parents. I sat outside Saturday morning on the back deck and read this lovely new book that I'm enjoying immensely - sipping my coffee slowly.

I am just loving all the little moments!

reverberating (happy list)

2011-07-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

- coveting her Chie Mihara shoes (make something)
- craving an afternoon treat of gelato
- wanting to be planning a day of leisure – sipping mojitos and relaxing in an outdoor room
- when can I order books on green roofs and urban ecology?
- waiting for dress & top from Ruche and Dogstar book
- who can I ask about establishing a FLAP effort in Ottawa?
- need to start doing yoga again – must renew my passport to prana card
- is there a cool hotel to stay at downtown Montreal?
- should we go on a vacation after Christmas this year?
- really want to go see the movie Midnight in Paris
- what is it with macarons, mojitos, t-straps, coral… what’s next?
- really want to enjoy the backyard – eat dinner al fresco accompanied with a great rosé
- I am ever so grateful for finding my home away from home (pied-à-terre)

2011-07-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

July 1st - two more months:

Fix up house (including patching ceiling). CHECK
Look for happy, sunny "new" townhouse. CHECK
Put house on market. CHECK
Find and buy our "new" townhouse/HOME. CHECK
Sell house. CHECK
Pay for first semester of school. CHECK

Find apartment.
Sell condo.
Pack up condo and house.
Separate items for apartment and townhouse.
Finish at work July 22 (rest of summer off!)
Move to townhouse and unpack.
Attend Eco City 2011 in Montreal.
Move to apartment and unpack.
Start school.

summer

2011-06-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

best

2011-06-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

From a friend:

I had the best set so far at YukYuks last night.

Bonus was that the club owner was there. And he watched me closely and talked to me after. Told me I'm "on my way" and that he was impressed. Told me he thought I had an "intelligent demeanor". Not too sure what that means - but whatever.

AWESOME!!

(I love, LOVE, L.O.V.E. getting news like this!! I am so thrilled to be surrounded by talented, creative, daring people who are going after what they REALLY want. I know a musician who has written and released two personal jazz CD’s (and more with other bands), a woman who runs a non-profit dance organization, another who is training to be a personal coach and who is opening up a studio to host her own dance-rhythm workshops and to provide the space for other creative endeavors. My bfriend is an incredibly talented photographer (I love to witness his process and see him get PAID for this talent!) and I have another friend who has the opportunity to write a book and a third who completed a degree in pet massage therapy. Someone else I know is now a trained Bowen practitioner and is continuing on with more studies to become a naturopath/holistic doctor – she sets her own hours and another friend has gone full-time with her EFT and Energy Healing practice and is finding abundance, success and increasing notoriety around every corner. And other people are talking about their plans for the future – opening up health food eateries, working for non-profits and being their own boss. So many people are coming into their own power! It’s exciting to witness and even more wonderful to be part of this uplifting and energizing vibe! Changing the world starts by changing yourself.)

imperfection

2011-06-16T17:38:00.000-07:00

(picture credit - ?)

heart

2011-05-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

my father had a heart attack this week. now that he is safely home and recovering things feel lighter but tonight I had this thought - we could have been planning for a funeral. that we aren't, is an incredible, incredible thing.

this week staff received a warning and I knew that I had been found out. it was my worst nightmare come true - except that they didn't pull me aside and talk to me personally. somehow I feel more in my truth now that it's out in the open. It's so obvious that I'm not where I'm meant to be.

we drove home tonight and were playing dance tunes loud. we decided to pass the house just to be able to cruise a bit and listen some more. I kept thinking two more months and I will be free - I pictured myself stepping out of the building for the last time, taking it in and then letting out a scream. OMG, I can't wait for that day.

I think this lightness, exuberance, energy and thrill will translate itself into having fun and being more of myself when I go back to school. tonight the thought of being the "40 year old" in the classroom didn't freak me out - it actually was thrillingly liberating. I CAN NOT WAIT.

I'm going to bed now. it's 10 o'clock on a Friday night. we didn't get alot of sleep this week. I called a friend to cancel on yoga this weekend. I'll call another on Saturday to get back into the volunteer efforts we are doing. it's supposed to rain for the next three days. I'll bake a cake Saturday night and we'll celebrate my mom's 70th bday and in ten more weeks i'll be starting the next chapter of my life. and it can be anything I want!!

shape

2011-05-09T12:16:00.001-07:00

What's not the same:

- I came home from yoga this weekend and ordered two new yoga tops - can't wait to receive them in the mail!

- Took a little walk in the garden - there is asparagus growing in my backyard (and rhubarb, chives & oregeno!)

- The A.R.T. is too much of a dread in my life - I am going to switch to osteopathy & energy work for the final tweaks needed.

- I had to laugh when I reviewed my list of 25 things I want to do: just last week I was excited to find a place (23) to go trampolining!

- I reminisced about my old jade plant with a friend last week and this weekend my dad offered me a new one out of the blue.

- Reminders of good encounters - working with Angela from eco carp and talking to Joanne at lunch while at the permie course.

- Was so happy to find a new period piece/movie to watch: South Riding (from the BBC) - a good change from all the reality tv shows!

- New evening routine: observe my emotions to find their corresponding bodily location and sit quietly with them.

- Other things on the 25 list: (15) new kitchen counters, (16) reupholstered the love seat and (19) going to see Pink Martini.

"She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful."
- Terri St. Cloud

follow (your truth)

2011-03-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

spirit loves truth

Flickr Photo from Coolm36

truly

2011-02-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

... become alive

* Flickr photo from All you Need is Love 2008

let (go)

2011-02-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2011.

Sell condo.
Fix up house (including patching ceiling).
Look for happy, sunny "new" townhouse.
Put house on market.
Find and buy our "new" townhouse/HOME.
Sell house.
Pack up condo and house.
Separate items for apartment and townhouse.
Move to townhouse and unpack.
Pay for first semester of school.
Find apartment.
Move to apartment and unpack.
Start school.

Finally learn the art of surrender!

(p.s. talk to you in the fall when this is all over!) : )

8 Ways to Open Your Body to Radiant Love

2011-01-31T22:53:00.000-08:00

1. Breathe deeply.

2. Practice the Chinese art of Qi Gong or connect with the universal energy of Reiki - give yourself up (and your experience) to something bigger.

3. Relax the tension in your body - particularly in your jaw, neck and solar plexus.

4. Whenever you find dissatisfaction (triggers - lack of control - anxiety) in your life, relax and open yourself through it.

5. Focus your attention on the space between things and the silence from which sounds emanate. If you focus your awareness on space and silence, the mind stops.

6. Know that success is as big a myth as failure - practice opening up your heart in love through the ups and downs of life.

7. Focus on the part of you that feels unloved. The part of you that is yearning for love. go into that feeling and experience that for five minutes a day. As you do it, just go deeper and deeper into it to fully experience that feeling.

8. As you read this last line, feel the energy of love flow through your entire body. Know that you are an infinite being - that as you are, YOU ARE ENOUGH. Remember that this world is an illusion - and that your true nature is light and love.

Open up your heart to whatever is being or happening in the present moment.

(from Dr. Blais Ryan director of the Cosmetic Acupuncture Centre of Canada)

Flickr photo

wow

2011-01-24T20:41:00.000-08:00

We found a place that we both like, that is in a great location and is the right size. I like his attitude also: "If it's not this one, there will always be another." Amen to that! : )

It's funny because I was just talking to a friend this weekend about how important it is to have a sun-filled house (his living room gets amazing rays in the afternoon when he gets home).

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There is tons of support around for me to do outdoor winter activities and to pursue more yoga. It's really amazing what's out there when you just start looking.

I am very happy about the passport to prana, my friend who wants to check out different classes, the great kundalini teacher at Shunnya and the new fitness centre opening this spring.

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I found a permaculture workshop! Yeah! I am so thrilled that there is an opportunity right here in Ottawa. It's two days which is great - a nice intense introductory course.

These were the three things on my list: reiki, chakras and permaculture - so next is to find an opportunity to find out more about the chakras and how to help healing this way.

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We made vision boards last Monday and it all came together - this gorgeous yellow light glowing with a human silhouette and the word SHIFT, which is reverberating in my mind so often now...

I vacillate between courage, excitement and then deep fear and panic. What am I doing? How can I give it all up? I'm so behind - there's so many people creating the life they want so easily, right now - isn't there an easier way for me than by putting everything on hold for two years?!?!

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As I work with my massage therapist and my chiro and feel muscles getting looser, I think to myself: it's like being grounded back into my body. Reaffirming that those arms, these shoulders are mine.

It's not only the opportunity to do more activities - see what my body can do, but it's also about reclaiming this "temple" - yes, it's a bit broken down and fading around the edges but it's mine - it's the only one I have. Let's see what's under the numbness - what this disconnection to my body has been hiding for so long.

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When I mentioned this really cool installation artist that creates ways to interact with weather phenomena to a friend, an idea popped in her head and she shared it with me:

"Wouldn't it be cool if we organized this new type of festival? Something that would get people excited, reconnect them and allow them to see their surroundings in a new way?" And with the energy of her excitement as motivation, I wonder, how hard could it be? We've already had the experience of putting together three events last summer and working with various partners... Those seemed big at the time we were doing them... Now I can see that they were a stepping stone to this next possibility... oh wow...

Is THIS what the universe is talking about??!?!? How little steps lead to bigger steps... oh wow.... WOW, WOW, WOW!!!

grateful

2011-01-10T08:59:00.001-08:00

It's funny because I don't really know WHAT I want to manifest. I know what I want to do in the next year and the steps seem pretty easy. I guess I should consider manifesting all the changes "with ease and joy". But it's fun to manifest the more magical types of manifestations - ones you didn't expect and ones that surprise you.

Part of manifesting is being grateful and I do try and stop and say thanks for everything that comes into my life but maybe what I could do is really FEEL that gratitude more. I have this wonderful warm house and great friends that are on the same path and who are very supportive. I have this incredible job that provides me with a great salary and the opportunity to work downtown and I have time - a luxury of time that many people don't. I am truly, truly grateful.

January has started off well, other than a cold that has stuck around for two weeks. I've never had a cold last this long but I'm actually taking it as a good sign, that I have alot to purge inside, the toxins are being released and I'm getting all that "gunk" out!

- On Dec. 31st, I looked up some songs on you tube. I remember watching "So... Can't Dance" when they danced to Poker Face and it was such a rush. DJ's got Us Falling in Love Again, Iglesias' "Tonight" and even "Somebody to Love" make me crave movement, that release, that thrill. Why do I keep forgetting this?
- I took level one holographic reiki, which I loved. The atunement ceremony was moving and had us all in tears. Old toxic emotions came up and were transmuted and I think we all left feeling pounds lighter! So interesting that usually Julie has not only assistants but also past Reiki students to help her and that this session, it was just her - she said she had to trust the universe that there was a reason for this and that the five of us could manage on our own. It was great!
- The application is in! Wow! In some ways it is so surreal, in others it is so matter of fact simple. I can't believe that something I drempt of in 2008 is actually coming to fruition. Although I am not going to India, I am truly on that five-year path that I started envisioning three years ago. Back then leaving my job was a pie-in-the-sky dream and now I'm going to live it. Wow. Can't wait to see what's next!
- We have a new roommate named Max. He's very different from our last cat and there have been some adjustments and tears but it's wonderful to have such a handsome, curious, social feline and we're very excited to have him at home with us. He stayed in my lap for over ten minutes on Sunday and that was it for me - I just melted.
- We've booked a weekend away - yeah!! I am not able to take a full week off this winter so we are going to Algonquin to a winter resort to enjoy some snowshoeing and dog sledding for two nights. There's a hot tub and a fireplace in each bedroom. With Friday off we'll take our time to drive up there and appreciate the scenery. It is definitely time to enjoy some serious fun and relaxing. I cannot wait!!!
- And last but not least: Shunnya, shunnya, shunnya! I'm going tonight. It's part of my changes for the new year. I loved that she spoke about kundalini yesterday, it confirmed that it's all the same path and that it's definitely time to embrace it!

(P.S. Remember: "The game is rigged in your favour!" xo)

Flickr photo by Gary Dayhew

feel

2011-01-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

"Knowing how you actually want to feel is the most potent form of clarity that you can have. Acting on generating those feelings is the most creative thing you can do with your life."

Firestarter

2011

2011-01-01T19:23:00.000-08:00

a little wish list of sorts... funky shoes, a simple tweed dress, ruffled double belt, jewel-tones, gorgeous raw linen and some great socks and tights. who knew that coral and kitten heels would be back in? wood bangles were on my list last year and now it's pretty things by molly and mary and scents like fresh fig, wild ginger and chai...

will have to start stocking up on books and some school things but other than that it's going to be a couple of "buy nothing" months. no more splurges or extravagance. yes even second hand can be an extravagance... : ) and really will I need these lovely items as a student? it's time to reprioritize. so this little manifestation post shall be a happy reminder that no matter what pretty will always be part of me. even when I'm schlepping in sneaks and hoodies.

thrill

2010-12-23T18:49:00.000-08:00

- healthy morning routine to start off day
- two great colleagues at work - merci bien!!
- finished mixed media piece & the daily make
- supportive comments from the local blog community
- creative day with J. and TUT manifestations with C.
- reading with V. in bed (so happy I asked!)
- enjoying outdoor hikes - more activity
- prioritizing my health with a great practitioner
- after two years - a workable wardrobe - yeah!

dreaming of next:
- sewing a beautiful cashmere quilt for school
- finding a great local affordable class for stretching
- the next steps on my healing journey: reiki and yuen
- expanding the morning routine into other parts of the day
- moving from one lovely nest into another one for both of us
- abundant support as I step off the career path to learn again
- a wonderful new feline companion that clicks with both of us

why (not?)

2010-12-21T18:31:00.000-08:00

here comes the universe again...

- synchronicity between us, in terms of gift ideas for his dad
- a new use for cayenne spice - just the answer I was seeking
- like magic, like I conjured it up - waiting for me at Le Local

it is amazing each time something happens, but it is also a reminder... like a little whisper in my ear: Come on girl... you can imagine bigger, dream larger and manifest so much more... just give it a try!

I swear life is so full of possibilities...

(Wed. night update: something I couldn't find for weeks, finally popped up minutes after I asked the question. the difference between me searching/wishing for days and tonight... I just felt it was possible and let go of the attachment.

Wow. OK, seriously I need to start applying this to bigger things!)

as shakers-off of torpor

2010-12-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

Reimagining a different future...

"(Crows) bring us into direct contact with the utterly essential, with what we prefer to avoid, with what the corporate-driven individual consumerism that runs more rampant now than ever in history contrives to hide, with the lesson we most dearly need to comprehend: that we are all nearly dead. That in light of that fact, just perhaps, our relentless, frenzied, earth-killing, over-outfitting of our temporal bodies and homes is the tiniest tad misguided. What was this body again? Oh yes, that heap of blue flesh lying on the soil, being picked at by the crows. As we lay up our treasures for a short moment on earth, the crows watch us, reaping what's given them: our shatteringly abundant refuse, the animals we failed to see and so ran over."

Crow Planet
Lyanda Lynn Haupt

* Flickr image from K Bauschardt

steps

2010-12-11T19:07:00.000-08:00

- She said I was guarded. That it would be like peeling an onion and I feel like that as she cracks my back and releases the tightened muscles and the layers of moments that made them that way.
- She said I looked familiar and we talked for a couple of minutes after our Elaborhythm workshop trying to determine where we could have met before. I want to try one of her Journey dance classes.
- He commented that he liked running into me because I was always smiling. He's not the first to say that but I'm surprised - how a friendly greeting would be something to remark about.
- He sits on our doorstep, or runs over when he sees us walk up the laneway and we let him in to patter around the house. He never stays long but the visits are helping to pave the way for a new roommate.
- We've gone on two hikes: the first was all about the birds and on the second one we ran into deer and some snowshoe hares. Someone commented that they've never seen deer along the trails - we got lucky on our second outing.
- Five of us around the hors d'oeuvres catching up, finding comfort in small talk at this life celebration - wondering how we would help our friend navigate through this unexpected heartbreak and darkness.
- I just want to slow things down, stop the unconscious daily path and really connect to each moment but I'm still lost in the daily schedule and only realize this as I lay my head down each night.

Baby Steps.

accept

2010-11-29T20:52:00.000-08:00

-- The only way to save the world, is to accept it as it is. --

2010-11-20T14:37:00.000-08:00

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs from you.

Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that.

For the world needs more people that have come alive.

- Howard Thurman

link (love)

2010-11-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

Here are three links for you:

I really like this esquire article that explains the current president in an unexpected way: Positive discipline anyone? Barack Obama: Papa in Chief

I really liked the following one, as a way to honour feelings, rather than projecting them. Magpie Girl has a great blog: A Shrine for Hard Feelings

And last but not least - everyone's talking about it, you've heard the catchy tune - now watch the video (if you haven't already!):

OK Go - White Knuckles

dark (days)

2010-11-10T19:21:00.000-08:00

Daylight savings time ended. It's dark by five pm now. This week I HAVE to get ready for winter - the garden, the patio furniture, the scooter all have to be tended to.

I cleaned my study out. "Purging the piles in my office" (they took up my whole second table in the room and had started multiplying on the floor) has been on my task list for the last year. I finally said - enough is enough. I took all of the piles of paper and random items out and they are now on my living room floor. I've gone through one pile. I figure if it's staring at me and in my way, I'll finally get it done. And if I'm sitting down to watch a show, I can sort through the stacks at the same time. Paper is my nemisis. Even though the task is not entirely done - even though I've only "relocated" the stuff - my study looks great - now the only thing that is on the table is my sewing machine. I'm going to test it out this weekend.

I may have found a tailor. I have more than 20 things on my list that I would like to alter, renovate, embellish, many of which I'm not wearing right now. I also have a handful of things that would fit (or fit better) if I lost a dress size or two. My wardrobe could double if I worked on these two things. I'd like to post some of the more dramatic changes to the clothes on my other website. Much of it is beyond my skill level (thus the need for a seamstress) but I'm already designing in my head a ruffled detail on a skirt I've had for years….

The "thirty day plan" is not working so well but I still have over 40 days before the holidays. I'm going to try something a little less ambitious for now: exercise for the five days I have off. If I can get that back into my routine, the rest should fall into place easier. I'm already having a fruit smoothie every morning, if I can get on the exercise wagon and fit in a salad for lunch, it will be smooth sailing.

Needing to be more mindful of unplugging again: more meditation, more yoga, more moments outdoors appreciating the wild urban creatures like the crows and the unruly squirrels. I am blessed to have found someone who also needs a push towards creativity - we will be meeting for the second time next week. The first meeting was a great afternoon of discussion, food, music and paper and paint and colour and creativity. I finished one of my mixed media pieces that I had started in art class this summer. Also more downtime, more touch, taste and smells… more warm skin to hold and to curl up with… more bubbling and boiling in the kitchen and heavenly scents from the oven… maybe I should take Susannah's other course: Living in my World. : )

And one last laughable thought: I can see where the blocks are, where the belief of scarcity is, where my truth is "this will never happen". I keep saying to myself, "you should have bid on those Chie Mihara shoes last spring when you saw them… you'll never find that good of a price ever again".

I definitely need to start changing my core belief about this! : )

ahead

2010-10-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

What's not the same:
- dinner with new friends at Zen Kitchen this Sunday
- wearing good combo today - like the grey & purple together
- two new pairs of shoes - fair trade, organic, natural & non-toxic glues, etc.
- 30 day plan (it's JUST 30 days - you can do it!)
- introducing myself to people - yeah! - at the AWARE festival
- last couple of events - made good contacts (Awakening the Dreamer, Community Garden Events)
- turned down temperature 1 degree (flannel sheets are on bed!)
- seeing outside the box in terms of social innovation - thanks to Tamarack (and found this website)
- creative day on Monday - what do I want to do!? : )
- changing my inner dialogue from "it's so overwhelming" to "it's simple and easy" mantra

onward

2010-10-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

Long weekend here in Canada. Had a great lunch last week with one of my garden friends and we talked about our fears of scarcity vs. being open and believing in abundance. Enjoyed a great massage before I went to bed on Friday. We visited Ruby at her new place and walked through a colour studded wood dreaming of living close by. I found some great clothes at a second-hand store, got out to the garden to harvest some tomatoes, lemon balm and oregano and found time for a warm bath to end the day with some relaxation. I still want to find time to do my final flower mosaic for the year.

Some incredible manifestations:
- after going to Point Pelee, I sent out this question "what is the Carolinian forest and who is working to protect it?" and within a couple of weeks I met a man at a conference who said, "I work for _____ and one of our biggest accomplishments in the past couple of years is providing $ X amount of funding to save the Carolinian forest." I kid you not. I nearly choked on my lunch!
- my favorite Black Eyed Peas song being played as a morning inspirational piece at the very same conference (it felt like I was in total synch at this event!)
- standing in the grocery line and noticing that our cashier was having a very bad day. I looked at her thinking "nothing could make her smile" and then immediately thought "what can be done to give her some happiness" and I swear a minute later V. said something to her and there it was - a smile when I really thought she could have bit our heads off. It was like I was writing the future with my thoughts.
- For my other blog, I've been having some fun posting "Friday Smiles" - things that make me excited about the future but I had nothing for last week. My thought that day, "what can I post for my next entry?" and then I just let it go and allowed whatever was to be, to be. V. and I went to the revolving restaurant that night and low and behold as it revolved around I saw this city's one and only Green Roof. I had no idea. It was just incredible synchronicity.
- the last one (for now) was as I was struggling through the last part of the long weekend, thinking how I really wished I had one more day before I had to go back. Oh if I just didn't have to go to work. The next morning, I woke up and remembered I had a doctor's appointment and I could enjoy a leisurely start to my morning and I didn't get in to work until almost 11:30. I know, I know - it was just my bad memory that created that last manifestation.

But hey - yeah for bad memory! Then every day is a surprise! : )

I think I will leave you with one last thought: in some ways isn't it amazing how technology is kind of "equalizing" people. There are LOTS more people who are AMAZING photographers, tons of people get to be reality tv STARS, so many people are becoming experts at things - they can create their own blog, have "followers" and I've already talked about the etsy phenomenon...

I started thinking about this when I overheard one girl on the bus talk about her boyfriend and how GREAT he is at photography and then a friend of mine started a fashion blog and within a couple of months she had over 100 "followers". If you really want to and you work at it, you CAN create a name for yourself.

So I was thinking about this, how it can be sooo great in helping people to recognize their own talents... how funny they are, what a great eye they have for photos, etc. and how it can really help people follow their dreams. Of course there is the opportunity to feed your ego and you may get a bit lost there but I think overall it's really a great thing. What do you think?

quiet

2010-09-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

May 2009

My roomie got his second infra red treatment on Monday. I need to find more time for him - to get him drinking more water, to get him walking around a bit more.

June 2009

Last night I came home to find V. and our roomie on the back deck. Dinner was ready and we sat outside enjoying the warm evening.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Mid-week when our routine was back to normal as I was climbing the stairs with my roomie to go to bed, I thought I really like our simple life and all I want is to slow it down even more!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Went on a picnic with Vil & roomie on Saturday evening - it was so great to be out in the sun.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I did a lot of gardening this weekend - moved two groups of plants into new nutrient rich soil. (My roomie spent time in the backyard with me).

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Every day I curl up with our roomie is wonderful - I'm so happy that he did well while we were away. Sending out warm feelings of a cozy winter with the three of us.

March 2010

I worry about our roommate - I really don't know if he's happy or not.

April 2010

I don't want to be enjoying the deck without our roommate. I don't want to be in the garden without him exploring outside.

I just want one more year. One more year - that's not much is it?

April 2010

I miss my cat.

catch (up)

2010-09-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

Yes, that says "Love Yoko" at the bottom. Wonderful billboard in London (I hear they are in other places also in N. America) from Yoko Ono.

*
*
*

It's raining here tonight. Lots. Heavy. Continuous. It hasn't rained like this in months. It's cold too. I guess we are overdue.

I'm not turning on the heat though. But V. had the great idea of using the fireplace tonight. That makes me happy. This is exactly the type of night for being in front of a warm fire.

It's fall. Many things are changing. I feel like the last four-five months have been about discovery, deciding a route and testing out options and now the upcoming months are going to be about making things happen.

"Especially wildlife?" it's been resonating in my head since I read the note from the universe. I know what I want to do for this next phase in my life.

*
*
*

We're fixing up the house to sell it next spring. With my decision to finish work and start new training next fall - we have a deadline to work towards.

With a light at the end of the tunnel, going to work daily doesn't seem to be the dreaded ball and chain that it used to be. I can put in my hours and know that this doesn't define me anymore.

I'm getting excited about the idea of being a student again.

*
*
*

The house is quiet. We talk about fostering. I have one more busy month (with a couple of groups I'm volunteering with) and then I think we'll see about making space for a new "roomie".

I had a really happy dream about our sweet cat, while we were on vacation. I think I'm ready to make some space for a new pet in our lives.

*
*
*

We were away last week... we went to visit family and took a day trip to a beach town and saw swans on the lake. I bought a beautiful enameled cast iron skillet. We toured a city garden with a wood-burning community stove, herb garden and cob kitchen. We walked along a beach and played mini-golf. V. found a great Portuguese restaurant that served tall glasses of wine and large plates of fish. And four of us found ourselves at the most southern tip of mainland Canada. I also got to enjoy a large Bellini one evening and during the week we cooked the most amazing food - pasta with summer squash, corn on the cob, tender pork chops, tomato and bean salads and lots of fresh bread. And we also enjoyed a lot of ice cream that week. A lot.

*
*
*

One more community garden event next weekend. Next summer it would be great to have a tour of homes downtown, a bit more personal than the community gardens - showcasing what individuals are doing in terms of "living lighter" and being more connected to nature. But V. and I are also talking about a "eurorail vacation" next spring. And there are two training opportunities I'm looking at next summer. We'll see how they all fit. First thing is getting through September-October: garden event, putting the scooter up for sale, some fall landscaping, repairing the back porch and putting the garden to bed for the winter.

*
*
*

I hope wherever you are - you are warm.

happen

2010-08-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

Stop thinking that you have to make it happen, and let it happen...

That you have to be better, and be yourself...

What have you got to lose?

The Universe

(Don't you owe yourself some time with new friends... some camaraderie... enlightenment... laughs... adventure... dancing... sunning... and wildlife? Especially wildlife?)

greater

2010-08-16T09:18:00.000-07:00

Blueberries and granola and almond milk
The way he kisses me with such presence still (after four and a half years)
House Hunters International… fun to dream…
The novel Eat, Pray, Love (NOT the movie)
Flowers trailing out of pots
Going for a swim at the local pond…
Experimenting with different swiss chard recipes (best so far: olives & garlic)
My purple PACT undies : )
Biking downtown - for some reason it feels so european
This woman for reducing her possession to 100 things (wow)

Coming home to him
Solar mint tea - made from fresh mint…
The sun on our bed in the afternoon (teasing me to nap)
Respecterre palazzo capri pants - so comfortable and versatile
Grassroots, hand on, interactive, collaborative, DOING
Lightly seared tuna steak
Lupine (the name, the flower…) I'm smitten
Working on the ground floor
Amy Steinberg - Exactly (song)
Being in the garden - time is lost

Fresh garlic from our CSA Farm (worthy of worship!)
The idea of this (community bake oven) and this (urban meadows of flowers)
My three healing crystals (blue, yellow & pink)
Massage, massage, massage (can't get enough)
Tv shows: Castle & The Good Wife
Rhubarb anything (jams, desserts, stewed with ginger…)
Sloe gin fizz (I want to make some sloe gin myself and I just found out this weekend that it was my mom's drink of choice also!)
A blank canvas - the promise of creativity
Notes from the Universe
Sitting on our back deck - enjoying a quiet day
A great pair of (organic) jeans that fit - heaven.

Gelato. Anyflavour. Anytime. Period.
Allison Sattinger's version of "Song Dedicated to My Family"
A pen and paper - cannot live without.
Firefly tv series - still can make me laugh and swoon.
Authors: Anthony Doerr, Erland Loe, Allison Pick, Louise Dupré (want to read more)
an Indian Summer afternoon sipping red wine
Paper lanterns and fairies
Still feeling close to them even though our time together has past
Paris in the fall (or the spring or anytime...)
These photos...

Being forty - it's great and it can only get greater!

forty

2010-08-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

beyond

2010-08-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

Tidbits, wonderings and happiness:

Every time I read someone's blog from an etsy store, there is such a resonance of thrill, excitement and satisfaction. Many days I am not happy that "we" always seem to turn to technology to solve our environmental and social problems but this is an example of the great equalizer for small businesses - online crafters can reach so many more people and get a name for themselves a lot easier that having a self-run business becomes so much easier. Which equals a lot more happy people here. So good!

Here's an interesting article on this phenomenon.

I've been asked a couple of times this summer if I know my ascendant sign. This morning after looking at a horoscope page, I decided to see if I could find my birth hour, found it in some papers in only a few minutes and finally confirmed that I am a leo with an ascending sagitarius. What does that mean?!?!?!? Two fire signs?!?!?! Is that a bad thing?!?!! : )

Another thing on my mind is community and how to get a bigger sense of it. There have been some discussions with the new group I've been volunteering with about community bake ovens / cob ovens in a community park where neighbours can gather for a pizza night or enjoy a bread baking tutorial on a weekend. My neighborhood is great - last week as I was walking home I was happy to see so many people out - playing badminton in their side yard, sitting on their front porch, playing in the streets. Someone I didn't even know waved to me. THAT is community.

And last but not least I have been inspired by Vonerable to put together a "Forty Favorite Things" list. I'm still working on it but here's # 1: blueberries, granola and almond milk. Delicious!

(Am off for a weekend of relaxation, pampering and fun - staycation here we come!)

(the) list

2010-08-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

Possible for this year:

# 2 - Gratitude List (will do a "Favorites List" instead)

# 4 - Run a 10-K (this fall?)

# 6 - Creative Friends (The Daily Make)

#11 - Knit!!

#13 - Dance Retreat - DONE!

14/15/16 - work on house...

#17 - Visit Friends in St. Catharine's - last weekend in August - yeah!

19 - Music (Snatam, Allison M., Arrested Development?)

23 - Trampolining - Zip Line (next bubble machine!)

# 24 - Cafe - oh must go exploring this fall...

From 25 things list

2010-08-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

(that's not the same)

- went for a week long art class - did lots of small pieces, played and am working on two bigger pieces. It felt strange, unfamiliar, awkward but it was fun and I want to do more. What I love most - losing myself in the moment - being so focused.

- we rescued a sea gull. found him on our bike ride last night (first when we passed we didn't realize anything was wrong but something made me want to go back. He had a fishing hook in his beak and foot). He's now at the Wild Bird Centre.

- we are on to planning our second and third garden tour. Wow. My neighborhood garden called and they are in for September so I'm meeting up with them this week to see how the tour will unfold. Wow.

- I am growing cucumbers, eggplant, beans and spaghetti squash. Every year I learn a bit more and get to meet new bugs and frustrations but it's amazing to grow your own food - even if the yield is only a handful!

- We cat-sat for two weeks. It was so nice to have a furry companion to hang out with and we really appreciated the opportunity to have a little test drive before we got serious again about a new feline - thanks Ruby!

- Did vision boards with my spiritual sisters Friday night (the evening before two of us went to "Playing the Matrix" by Mike Dooley from Notes from the Universe!) - really resonate with the new images... very excited!

- I drempt both of doing art and making vision boards this week... I was so happy when I woke up!

Be

2010-07-28T20:09:00.000-07:00

Be still, girl.

Stop thinking.

Feel.

Take action.

Visualize.

Repeat.

Yours,
The Universe

last

2010-07-20T23:03:00.000-07:00

I had a talk with a friend awhile back about finally living some of the unfulfilled dreams of my mother, grandmother... women of a past generation who didn't have a choice and might have made other ones if they could.

my friend came back with the point - why does it really matter, if you are the last in your family (because I don't have children). I can't pass on this great "achievement" to anyone.

it felt like I had been kicked in the gut.

right there and then, I didn't have an answer for her but I do have one now.

what I am living for now, is bigger than a family lineage, different then passing on what you've learned to your children... it may be hard to explain to someone who sees things from this "one life" perspective but I truly believe there is a cosmic plan, something bigger than me and if I succeed in certain accomplishments in this life, the payback will be big and it's not a personal payback - it's a payback for all consciousness.

xo

not

2010-07-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

Here is what's NOT same old, same old:
- biked to Nanny Goat Hill Gardens - it was great - why don't I bike more?
- put up a lashed type of trellis for my squash to grow over my rhubarb
- had a hot pot dinner and went to the roller derby with S & C
- flyered with J talking about solstice ceremonies and creative play gatherings
- made a beet & greens pasta dish and Italian turnip soup with arborio rice
- two opportunities at policy and in environmental stewardship

joy

2010-06-30T18:45:00.000-07:00

6 small things this summer:

- jump on a trampoline - done
- wear a twirly skirt (and take photo)
- trust universe will find photo - (and it did)
- buy vintage chie mihara shoes
- collaborate with someone - doing (the daily make)
- get a bubble machine (what a great idea Von!)
- get a copy of B & W of you with kitten

2010-06-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

Your Time is Now

(beautiful video by Katherine Center)

power (chakra)

2010-06-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

Solar Plexus Chakra (navel)

Yellow - Mental understanding of Emotions - Self Image/Secrets (sense of belonging)

Personality that is developed during puberty is housed here - trust gut instincts (acceptance of who you are - ego - self love)

The Ahamkara mudra can be used when you are feeling "less-than" or fearful to generate self-confidence. Place thumb on the middle of bent index finger. Middle, ring and pink fingers are extended.

Solar Plexus Chakra Exercises - Chakracise your solar plexus chakra by dancing (do The Twist, hoola hooping, and belly dancing).

Citrine (yellow quartz) expands the auric field, filling it with light and clearing away any lingering etheric toxins. Citrine is also a wonderful manifestation crystal by motivating you into taking action.

Further Chakra exercises: image, meditation, affirmation

shake

2010-06-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

There was an earthquake felt in Ottawa yesterday (5.5 on the Richter scale) - it only lasted a couple of moments but the floor was like jelly underneath us - very unnerving. Tons of people evacuated without even waiting for an announcement. When I got outside all the sidewalks were crowded downtown. Again - makes me question working on the 18th floor. Great thing was that we all had an unofficial break yesterday for about an hour. So many people on the streets. I found an open space with somewhere to sit about five blocks away from my building. V. met me and we talked dinner (what are we going to make with all those CSA veggies?).

We watched a beautiful golden dog (that looked like a small bear - she was less that a foot high) cross the intersection slowly. The woman walking the dog saw me smiling and said that her dog was slow in her old age - "She's 17 and always seems to slow down at exactly the wrong moments," she told us with a smile. I went over to pet that darling dog and told her that my cat at 17 had had arthritis too and could sympathize. The fact that we were there, the fact that the dog was 17 and still padding along, the fact that the owner was so accepting of the slow walks - it made my heart soften and made me feel at peace. Seeing how this puppy's life was full of such gentle love in her golden years - still going for walks, still enjoying the outdoors, still loving to get pats from strangers, just made me melt. She actually paused after I had gone back to my bench - looking at me - is that all? No more pats? I just wanted to go back over there and give that dog a big hug. I really felt that that moment was meant to be - helping me recognize that I'm starting to move from pain to acceptance.

Right after my cat died, I really didn't EVER want to get another animal - it's so HARD to love and lose. It's so hard to make those final decisions for your pet, trying to decide what is best for them. It's so hard to feel like you know the answers - you know when to end a life. I really didn't ever want to go through that again - that whole week when our cat was so sick and that dark weekend, was just the worse I've ever been through. But just seeing that dog and knowing how much love Buckwheat had in his last years, I do feel better, I do know that every moment with him was a joy - both ways (for him and for us). So that sweet golden dog helped me connect with our elderly, mellowed-out, ever-tolerant, sedentary-paced, taoist cat that so unwaveringly climbed the stairs every night just to be in bed with us. Every night - even with his arthritic ankles. That is love. And I feel blessed to have had that in my life.

(It was also love when we carried him up the stairs many times so he didn't have to have the painful climb!) Seventeen years - from kitten to senior - he was special.

abundence

2010-06-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

"I have been trying a little experiment. Every time I picture something new in my mind I see if I can expand it, think bigger and enlarge my imagination. This is fun and it instills hope and possibility.

When I was in my teens, no one in my circle of family and friends pictured me as an artist but I saw it. I continually built on that picture even though it was rarely reflected back to me from the outside.

We must become first what we want to create. This requires a solid first chakra connection to source. It all happens inside first. As within, so without."

Intuitive Creativity

jammin'

2010-06-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

Last night I met up with my spiritual group for a Healing Rhythm Circle. It was great not only to be banging on drums but I was also happy that we ended with a bit of rhythmic free-spirited dancing. (A precursor to the Dance Workshop I'm going to this weekend!) Then today I got this email:

hey gang,

So last night while we were all jamming away on those fab drums and bells and such at J's, my bfriend and his buddy were bangin up a little banjo trippy-ness at his buddy's place in Carp...here's a little snipit for y'all!

I won't attach the snippet but it got me to thinking of this video that I saw last year that showed a collaboration of various musicians (from different parts of the world) that were meshed together by this dj producer to create one song. You may know about it - the project is called "Thru You" by Kutiman. Here is one of the songs from this project for your listening pleasure:

Background on Thru You from Spinner:

"ThruYou is the work of Kutiman, an Israeli musician and producer who's been putting out his own sample-driven music, which he describes as "funk/Afrobeat/psychedelic." For this project, though, he's been diligently combing cyberspace for homemade music projects, grouping together ones that seem to have some compatible or complementary elements and then layering/cutting them into amalgam songs."

I love Spinner's description of the musical project:

"It's the Net equivalent, perhaps, of finding that exact spot at the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival or some such where you can hear six or eight bands all going at once on the various stages. Out there, if you tilt you ears just right, what by all rights ought to be a cacophonous mess of blues, jazz, Cajun, gospel, rock and whatever all mishmashed together can turn into euphonious magic. With ThruYou, Kutiman has done the ear-tilting for you."

*********************************

Also another musical collaboration that I found while looking for the above link was "Playing for Change" (from Global Health Magazine):

"Beginning in 2004, Playing for Change traveled around the globe with recording equipment and recorded musicians songs and mixed the various versions together to create intriguing and beautiful songs that meld cultural sounds...The idea behind Playing for Change, a stunning compilation of songs performed by artists from around the world, is to inspire peace through music and to connect people through song. The album immediately became a surprise, top-10 hit in the United States. And for good reason - the album covers Bob Marley, U2, Peter Gabriel, Bob Dylan and Sam Cooke and integrates the performances of an international group of musicians."

Here's the "One Love" video for you to enjoy:

discover

2010-06-15T18:14:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading "Paris times Eight" about a woman's visits to Paris from when she just graduated high school to over 20 years later when she takes her young children. A little more than half way through the book she happens upon a cemetery with her fiancee and buoyed by that discovery, they go on to visit Pere Lachaise the next day. She had never been able to find Oscar Wilde's grave site on her own but that time they found it.

Pere Lachaise was one of the sites I had to visit when we went to Paris in 2007. I had always been a fan of Oscar Wilde but a year before we went, I read "Waiting for Gertrude" a story about the cats who live in the cemetery. In the book they are embodied by the spirits of those buried there: Oscar Wilde, Jim Morrison and of course Alice B. Tolkas... The book was touching and it instilled in me a desire to visit the quiet resting place that the book described.

I found Paris magical. We really enjoyed visiting in the fall also, as it gave the city a cozy, tender, nostalgic feeling. I was so happy to be wandering through the parks and the streets of Paris enjoying every moment but especially I found I was entranced by the low light of the evenings, when the City turned from busy cosmopolitan city to a city that could be enjoyed more on a personal level.

We found ourselves in cafes and on rainy streets and checking out local parks and the elevated garden and we did get to Pere Lachaise. It was close to closing and I had to decide whether to visit Jim Morrison or Oscar but it really wasn't a hard decision. I can understand how the author had a hard time finding the spot as there are so many paths and turns and levels and Oscar is tucked up in a corner of the cemetery. But we found the grave. And this really was the best moment for me - the moment that made me really connect and feel like I was meant to be there - just as we approached the tombstone, a cat jumped up and greeted the crowd, almost like Oscar turning to say to us, Well of course I am here, what took you so long? I still smile thinking of the magic.

After reading her book and digging through photos to find this one, I am starting to dream about traveling again. In "Green Wellies" another author takes a train voyage from London, England to Morocco (that includes a wonderful ferry ride over the Mediterranean). A train ride sounds so romantic.

I am starting to ache for a trip, ache to get away, discover myself in a different locale. What can I discover beyond familiar horizons?

What's hiding under that 9 - 5, the to do list and the familiar routine? What wants to blossom when there is space and the unfamiliar to grow into?

ground (chakra)

2010-06-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

ROOT CHAKRA

the layers that we are made of

getting to the essence

gently allowing

the jewels within

the words wanting to come out

muladhara (root chakra):

from green/growth - red bursting upwards and outwards

drawn forth by a guiding light

allowing the flow

holding creativity/creation - proof

but still not naming it.

___________________________________________

Base - Root Chakra (base of spine)

Red - Movement - Self Esteem/Security (touch - instincts)

Grounding force - connects us to the earth's energies - empowerment (material possessions)

The Prithivi mudra recharges the root chakra aligning it with earth energies. (Thumb and Ring Finger)

Chakracise your root chakra by stomping your feet upon the ground, marching, and doing squats.

Grounding Exercises

express

2010-06-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

I drempt that I defended a girl who was being humiliated in front of a large crowd - I found my voice.

This weekend I am going to a one-day Healing Dance Retreat - "Ecstatic Dance... a journey".

I have committed to a daily small art piece. After three weeks, I am wanting a huge canvas!

My veggie and herb garden are not doing well. I fear planting my cucumber plants outdoors.

We donated some of our cat's items to a cat shelter. I still need to write a card to the vet.

I am creating a travel mosaic - documenting electronically all the places my feet have landed.

I am going to participate in a butterfly count in early July - hoping for a nice sunny day.

How are things with you?

unlikely

2010-06-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

"It's about letting go," she tells me. "Learning to accept that bad things happen, but they are unlikely. If you obsess over them, you'll ruin what should be a magical time." - Anna Shephard

springshine

2010-06-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

Someone (at a meeting I was at last week) was describing the rush of spring smells as they went for their daily bike ride. I recalled their description last Friday as I walked past the flower stalls in the market. So wonderful to fill yourself with a hit of heady springshine.

: )

again

2010-05-20T18:24:00.000-07:00

After the workshop I felt energized for a few days but now after a couple of weeks, I feel some heaviness weighing me down. The connection is definitely helping me with the angst of April but now a new realization is dawning. Part of the problem is that I'll pursue some ideas but when I come upon some roadblocks, my normal course of action is to divert - go to something else. But this doesn't get me anywhere in the long run. I have so many ideas but no focus or resolve. I guess in the end I'm looking for the easy way. But isn't this one of our lessons here - that life isn't supposed to be all peaches and cream?

When I think about what spiritual teachings I could be applying, it comes back to the same messages as always - small steps, continued trust and eternal gratitude. I think I get overwhelmed and forget that I can put my trust in something bigger than myself. I think I've spent so many years doing this all on my own that this new approach will constantly be a revelation. "I can apply it here too?" I guess I can look forward to constant amazement. : ) It's so easy to forget that this approach can work in ALL aspects of my life whether it's my relationship, my vocation, my present job or new interests and groups that I'm working with. I need to plug into that cosmic energy and eternal wisdom. The struggle is really never truly my own.

So as a reminder, here are some ways that the universe has helped lately:
- emails from a friend - support is always there - just trust!
- event on ecosystems and biodiversity that just magically appeared in the mailbox
- finding an opportunity to learn more about ecology at the end of the month
- talking to a tree specialist who advocated less is more (nice!)
- information from a friend on green real estate agents and boulevard gardening
- great lunches with old work friends (thai food recipes, safari suggestions)
- incredible words of support from an online CRF community I've never met
- a pair of hemp pants that I was eyeing last fall - found online at a discount!
- let go of the need to hear from a friend and just like that she called
- clearing my calendar for sleep, gardening and jogging - breathing it all in

Love ya universe!

xo

unplug

2010-05-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

At the end of last month, I took a four day weekend. I had a "Conscious Relating" spiritual workshop scheduled for Saturday and Sunday and I did have the Monday off but I wanted more.

It is becoming increasing strange to have three days off where I can do what I want, live the life I want and feel alive and then wake up on Tuesdays realizing that I'm going back in the trenches. That my life is only 3/7th of what I want. I love being busy, great colleagues do make a difference and I'm hoping with a new manager their will be some direction now but still I find it hard to work on the 18th floor, pushing paper for such a disconnected government.

And throughout April, I'd feel off and on, vacillating between disconnected and connected, trying to process a recent loss and moving through emotions - reminding myself of acceptance each time resistance would come up. I was staying up late, too much at the computer, searching for something but never finding it. And I just knew at the end of the month that the only answer was to unplug.

I got excited about people posting about chicks, homesteading, urban foraging and lawns changed to veggie plots though "lasagna gardening". But when I'd find myself experiencing these things virtually I knew I was cheating myself out of something. I talked to one woman at Awakening the Dreamer about being in a dark room - loving the process of turning film into photos. Now with digital cameras that physical connection is lost. I wanted to experience things and started scheduling outings to get out, see friends, hear new ideas, see new creations.

The moments that were resonating with me while searching and while living day to day were the "real" ones. I spent a day in the garden and felt the soil in my hands. We took a trip to Prince Edward County and connected with the sea, sky, earth and air. I started jogging again, feeling the strength of my body, the blood coursing through and my feet hitting pavement. We stopped to pet cats, dogs and watch the creatures of our backyard and in the country.

But the problem is that I'm not good with balance especially while trying to answer some need within me, that I can't seem to fulfill myself. When I'd come home every night (when I didn't have something scheduled) I'd for the most part tune out. (I had joined flickr groups that I would visit, kept adding posts to my two blogs, would always research something that I "needed" online - clothes, a condo, a cottage and was always checking sites to see who had updated.) I'd try to catch myself and ask "what is it that you really want?" but it was always easier to turn on the tv or computer than really sit with myself and start really digging for an answer. Although my actions (searching outside of myself) belied this, maybe I could figure out the answer inside but I'd need something more drastic to force myself to do that. Maybe (I finally realized) I just needed to firmly and forcefully unplug.

So I'm writing this on April 30th at the beginning of that four day weekend. I'm going out to garden this afternoon and cook a soup for the potluck lunch tomorrow. I'm going to the first part of the workshop tonight and get to connect with people and on Monday I'm going to go visit a friend - maybe bike there if it's nice. And I'm exciting about unplugging because I want to free up time at home to start sewing, meditate, do art, enjoy some yoga and hear myself.

I want to connect to the tangible, the tactile, the sensual and the savory.

I want to breath in deep and enjoy what is right in front of me.

So I'm unplugging and I will see you there!

(and I'll come back here when I've figured out a better balance!)

xo

as (if)

2010-05-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

"Accept it as if you have chosen it.‏"

gratitude + visioning = thoughts become things

2010-05-02T15:37:00.000-07:00

Appreciating what you already have, Kif, is how to get more of what you don't.

Tallyho,
The Universe

Just a little something to remember, Kif, on a cold night, an idle day, or when stuck behind a slowpoke in the passing lane on a highway driving across town to run some weekend errands, or something.

**************************************

Wake up, Kif! Remember what excites you. Think of these things, those friends, and the adventures that can be yours. Focus. Care. Fantasize. Imagine. It's all so near. Speak as if you're ready. Paste new pictures in your scrapbook, on your vision board, and around your home and office. Physically prepare for the changes that you wish to experience in your life. You've done this before. You know it works. You're due for an encore. It's time to amaze. That's why you're there.

And it's why I'm here,

The Universe

Wake up, Kif! Remember! Do what you know to do! It's all so near.

(Notes From the Universe)

heal

2010-04-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

From Daily Om:

"When we choose that which is not best for us, the truth can be that there is a deep seated part of us that does not want to heal. We may say it’s because we don’t have the time or the energy or the resources, but the real truth is that when we don’t take care of ourselves we are falling prey to self-sabotage. Self-sabotage happens unconsciously, which is why it’s so difficult to see that we are doing it. The important thing to realize is that this very part of us that resists our healing is the part that most needs our attention and love. Even as it appears to be working against us, if we can simply bring it into the light of our consciousness, it can become our greatest ally. It carries the information we need to move to the next level in our healing process.

When we recognize that we are not making healthy choices, we might even say out loud, “I am not taking care of myself.” Sometimes this is the jolt we need to wake up to what is actually happening. Next we can sit ourselves down in meditation, with a journal, or with a trusted friend to explore the matter more thoroughly. Just shining the light of our awareness on the source of our resistance is sometimes enough to dispel its power. At other times, further effort is required. Either way, we need not fear these parts that do not want to heal. We only need to take them under our wing and bring them with us into the light."

bounty

2010-04-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about paid work and what it really is for.

We need to work for a) paying for the stuff we do need b) paying for the stuff we want and c) an identity.

So how much $$$ do we really need?

Right now I am more than comfortable. I don't need to think much about cost, etc. I don't live an extravagant life mind you but this year, wanting to explore new avenues, take workshops and courses and see where this path could take me, I haven't had to stop and consider how to "afford this". I am quite blessed in terms of this.

I feel very supported by the universe to be able to explore interests and go to events that are helping shaping the dreams/ideas/matrix of my future life. I have some friends who are either self-employed or coming back from travels, who can't pursue every whim that comes their way and it reminds me that I am set up right now rather well to explore opportunities while only working 4 days a week. The ideas that are coming seem very "doable", I have a deep sense of calm and commitment to some of the opportunities that I see for myself in the next couple of years. I don't see that struggle for myself.

So first of all I want to send out some BIG GRATITUDE for how the universe is supporting me right now. I have enough "green energy" for my present desires. Thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU.

The other question I have though is what type of lifestyle am I looking for in the future. I don't want to get bogged down by numbers and figures but can I (we) afford to have a cottage and some traveling and a comfortable home if I pursue an alternative career and find myself bringing in less green energy per hour? How much do I want to "work" to support my needs, my desires (both current and in retirement). On the other hand, will it be WORK, if I love it? That's the real point - the lines between my time and work time will blur if I'm enjoying what I'm doing. I will have a full life intertwined with these interests and a better life balance. I will be living the truth inside me.

And if I'm doing that - I don't really need an "identity" through my job, or need to get paid a certain salary to feel that I'm contributing to society or valued by my employer. And I envision that some of these things that I am paying FOR now and seem very interesting and thought provoking, will be returned to me in the future - it'll be cyclical. It'll either be incorporated into my vocation or there will be new ways of participating that aren't necessarily monetary ways. This way of thinking is really freeing - allowing me to ignore the need to grow and profit and make a SALARY just so that I can BUY THINGS. I like where this path is taking me.

I see my future more in the light of EXCHANGE and GREEN ENERGY and identifying JOY and finding it in ABUNDANCE wherever I look (and costing nothing).

What identity do you have for yourself and what future do you see? We've lost our identities - we've become a society of consumers. It's time to find a better path.

One that will take us back to our truth. Back to the real identity we know for ourselves. Back to connection and core values and community.

2010-04-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

Sammy the cat (...his colours are incredible!)

Sometimes things don't make sense. Sometimes you just get lost. But I have been noticing lately that when you share stories and really listen - it all falls into place somehow and the universe can lead you to some amazing outcomes.

Received on April 24th:

Thank you, Kif
That was exactly what I needed to hear. I've received a surprising number of responses to my long post about Sammy, and they have all been positive and supportive and helpful, but you zeroed right in to the heart of the matter. Thanks to you and the others I'm getting a perspective on the whole thing that I doubt I would have ever got on my own. I appreciate it so much.
Yours, Joe

--- On Wed, 4/21/10 at 2:30 am, Kif wrote:
Subject: Re: I let Sammy die at home and I am so sorry.
To: Joe

Making the decision to end your pet's life is one of the hardest decisions. And while you are in the thick of things it's really hard to see things straight. Things seemed calm and relaxed for you and euthanasia was an abstract thing - that was your reality. I think we all have to disconnect in some way to be able to make that decision. Hindsight is always 20/20. You really thought that you were allowing Sammy to have a peaceful death. You really thought that each hour he was at his last moment. If you had known from the start - when Sammy collapsed that it would take him 12 hours of suffering, you would never have allowed that to happen to him. KNOW THAT. Know that if you had understood the full situation, your choice would have been easy. Not knowing is what made it hard - you were going minute by minute, hour by hour.

I spent a year beating myself up with guilt after my first cat died because of complications due to a routine procedure. What dawned on me after a year? I finally realized that I would not have been beating myself up so much if I HADN'T LOVED MY CAT. I could finally forgive myself because I could see beyond my guilt (feeling like I didn't do what was best for my cat and therefore MUST NOT have loved her) and realize the love that I had had for her.

I know it will take time. I know it's a horrible thing to work through, but be gentle with yourself and find a way back to where you can focus on the great 15 years that you did have and your loving kindness after Sammy was diagnosed where you continued to take care of him and give him all that he needed.

Keep writing and talking and working through it - there is alot of great support out there if you need it. I appreciated your heartfelt words in your email tonight - sharing your agonizing situation, so that others could learn from it. It really made it clear that there IS NO easy answer. If you go the other route - making the choice to euthanize your pet - there is regret also. Could he have lived longer? Did I do the right thing? You have very openly shared that death is never easy - no matter what or how it happens.

We all love our animals and are trying to do the best for them - yourself included.

I wish you peace,

- Kif

beauty

2010-04-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Something else from the Spiritual Cowgirl:

True Beliefs (that make my cells shimmer and shine):

1. I am beautiful because of who I am
2. My beauty is not dependent on my physical appearance
3. My beauty is a clear reflection of the Divine Feminine
4. I am “seen” because of my spirit, my presence, my courage, my heart, my love
5. I am heard because of the authentic way I communicate my true self
6. I am loved because of who I am, not what I look like
7. My success and work does not depend on how I look
8. My real beauty is my truth and birthright and a reflection of my spirit in physical form
9. My physical beauty is in service of the Divine Feminine

life

2010-04-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

... one week since.

Today:
- petted three animals: Argon (next door), dog at Second Cup (I've seen him and his owner before) and Sandy (when I got home).
- talked to a close friend (who lives in Almonte) this morning - she listened and empathized.
- email from another close friend (in Boston) who has been dealing with so much this year. Her sweet note makes me cry.
- coffee with a friend at second cup who just came back from Korea - we were talking about how life changes and how travel can really open your eyes.
- greeted my old neighbour - she walked by while B. and I were chatting enjoying our drinks. Always such enthusiasm and radiance!
- a heartfelt card in the mail for both V & I. Sympathy flowers sitting on the table. It comes in waves and I try to process with an open heart.

I was walking home from the coffee, thinking how blessed I was, how blessed we all are. Was talking to my friend about how it seems that the universe is reflecting back to her what she has been moving towards in her own life. The more goodness, happiness she is feeling and seeing, the more she finds it outside of her also.

I find that after going to the symposium and really connecting, feeling the care and concern of others about the situation of the world, the more I can feel it and see it surrounding me. This community which may seem to be still struggling is also full of wonderful, alive, conscious people who are filling it with positive, healing vibrations.

I sign up with Transition Ottawa and I see people there who are making a difference. I am encircled by many caring friends who send me love and support in this sad time. I meet up with two women today who are vibrating at a higher level and I go tonight to see Jane Goodall who gets it - that you can't fix the problem in isolation. It begins with seeing the whole situation, by healing the community. It just feels like more and more people are becoming enlightened.

Walking home I just felt this serenity, a gentleness, a hope for everything, a trust that it would all turn out for the good. I just see so much optimism, so much beauty and so much more light. I felt the universe supporting me but it is always there supporting all of us. Every day since last Monday, I keep coming back to acceptance. Whatever is in the moment: it is good. Just allow. Just accept and know that it is what is supposed to be. This is the softening of my heart.

This is merging with all that is good.

This is connection.

moodling

2010-03-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

A reminder that sometimes when you let loose and just play, the most inspiring things come your way (or out of your pen!). Chiara's entry "Down From the Mountain"

Intuitive Creative calls it Moodling!

steps

2010-03-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

- Awakening the Dreamer Symposium (April)
- Jane Goodall talk
- Tamarack webinar (The Power of Collective Wisdom)
- Frog Chorus in the park
- Full Moon Gong Meditation at kundalini centre
- Conscious Relating Lecture & Workshop (May)
- Snatam Kaur concert
- DIY Adventure: Using Creative Play to Design the Life of your Dreams weekend workshop in July
- Beyond the Canvas - Mixed Media - week-long course (July)
- Mike Dooley - Playing the Matrix (July)
- EARS workshop (training for volunteers) and online studies

I don't know where all this is going to take me. But every day I hear about these exciting things, events and courses and I'm just going with it.

I'm going to walk down this path and see where I end up.

perfect

2010-03-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

Last year on one of the unravelling threads we all shared our perfect day. I can't even remember if I added mine or not but I do remember having a difficult time coming up with one. Maybe it was because one day was so short - how about a perfect week... a perfect month... well really let's just go for a perfect life. But then there is none, right(?) or at least it's only if we embrace the imperfection that we can be OK with what is... (and then it does become exactly what we need.) So for today, I'm sitting here looking out at another grey March day with no snow and I'm not sure what this summer is going to offer so for now I'm dreaming up a bit of fun and joy in what a "perfect" day could be...

Waking up with the sun feeling perfectly refreshed. Doing a bit of meditation and some sun salutations before I go downstairs and have a fruit shake or fruit salad. Lingering over tea on the back step with my two loves, discussing with V. what we want to do for the day. Going on an adventure, seeing something new and letting it involve something physical - enjoying our bodies - being active. The day should involve a little creativity with some music, a bit of sketching or some great poetry and then a long dinner with wine and delicious food with some really close friends.

And finally some alone time, some intimacies with V. and a quiet moment before bed to reconnect with the wonder & love that is all around me. A huge embrace with the universe. xo

trust

2010-03-21T18:05:00.000-07:00

Was listening to an interview with the Spiritual Cowgirl and I like her idea about making space for change... which can be created with just the acknowledgment that there is room for change. It really shouldn't be forced.

And she notes that even though she is aware that there are times when she is holding herself back, she is OK with this because deep down she trusts that when it is the right time, it WILL happen.

She comments on the fact that she believes that there is a very unique timing for her particular being and that when change needs to happen it will be translated and acted out and lived through in a way that is very respectful of how her being needs to unfold here. (Some time the transformation/leaps in consciousness happens when you least expect it.)

At the end of the day she trusts her process. She trusts that the lessons will anchor down in her because the space has been created - she is conscious about it and that is the first step to transformation.

But you can't force it. It will happen in a way that is very unique and will therefore be very empowering.

The interviewer echoed this sentiment saying that her practice is all about patience and playfulness and enjoying the process and letting it unfold.

She tells herself that there's nothing wrong with herself now - She don't need to fix anything.

And she believes that everything IS within her and it's just blossoming as it needs to...

My Goddess Life Interviews: Sera Beak

connect

2010-03-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

(Photo by Vee G.)

The environmental movement in some ways seems to be about pointing fingers. It's such a difficult thing - to save the world - that in some ways we can feel powerless. Making changes at an individual level doesn't seem to be enough and it can becomes overwhelming when you see day in and day out so many others living unconsciously and not making an effort.

The spiritual movement seems so passive that many people don't understand how change can happen there. Any change that does happen comes at such a slow pace that people who fear that change needs to happen NOW get frustrated and criticize the peaceful approach as ineffective.

But a merge between the two IS happening. First there was the Awakening the Dreamer movement. I haven't been to a symposium but I do see it as a positive approach and can't wait to hear more in April. And now I find more of these same thoughts echoed from others who have taken on environmental issues:

Today I found this post on No Impact Man: Environmentalism 2.0. He talks about the need for community, connection and the need to address the "dis-ease" within all of us. Love it!

And he also links to a beautiful short clip from Julia Butterfly Hill - "Working for the Good, Instead of Complaining about the Bad". I did not know much about her philosophy before but am thrilled to see her speaking at The Omega Institute. From hearing her clips: Green is In, There are no Accidents, Pro, Disconnection and Service, she has a very spiritual base which has made an incredible impact in the environmental movement.

listen

2010-03-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

Slow down girl, hear what others are trying to tell you.

She sees this openess in you and this desire to know more.

She loves your creativity and your zest for adventure.

There is love and support everywhere you turn.

** I am so grateful, I am so blessed.**

mask

2010-03-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

Need to remember this:

"Jealousy is always a mask for fear: fear that we aren't able to get what we want; frustration that somebody else seems to be getting what is rightfully ours even if we are too frightened to reach for it. At its root, jealousy is a stingy emotion. It doesn't allow for the abundance and multiplicity of the universe. Jealousy tells us that there is room for only one... one whatever you dream of being..." Julia Cameron

(This is a good emotion to pay attention to - it can lead you to what you want!)

2010-03-12T19:19:00.000-08:00

What a wonderful week it has been. After changing my attitude and creating a little handy guide to chart the course forward, I feel like there has been tons of synchronicity supporting this positive change. I came into work and found out that a colleague here ran into a colleague that I used to know from the U.S. Hearing a "hello" from him gave me a positive charge and reminded me that he has always been in my corner. Then it was a discussion I had with a colleague out west - realizing that I DO know some stuff and that I can help out. I found myself in two conversations where my knowledge and confidence lead. I came home to find an email from someone in Vancouver that I was referred to - you both have worked with Teerthra and you both want to do more for the sustainable urban movement - was the connection. We are going to try to meet face to face in a couple of weeks and here again is the incredible power of an idea, of a thought becoming tangible.

And last night I watched this BBC program "A Farm for the Future" (You Tube link and Transitions commentary) and so many things were lining up. My discovery of the post carbon institute, my interest in CSA farming, how peak oil will affect so many industries I haven't even considered and how reconnecting with the natural cycles of the earth are the only way forward. The only way to save ourselves is to accept that we are part of this ecosystem that is called earth, rather than turning our back on nature. I learnt about permaculture and biodiversity and loved every minute of it. And then the Daily Om that I came across this morning was the clincher for me: Children of Mother Nature.

When I sent out the information on the next workshop (which I am going to participate in) I realized how many people I do know now that are interested in growth. The first time I sent this out a couple of years ago, I was worried that no one would get it but now I felt connected to more than five people who have read A New Earth or done ACIM work or who are interested in meditation. That really made me feel supported.

I don't know what is next. I sent out emails inquiring about frog counts and butterfly tagging. I'm possibly meeting with an inspiring friend who started her own non-profit this weekend and then seeing a friend next week who might have some connections to universities that do research on wildlife. I also sent an email about the Art in Gibberish course - it may be the right timing now and I really feel up to starting the online certification. I want to start retraining. I'm wondering about grants - maybe there is a possibility to partner with an organization if we are interested in the same type of project. Could I be their grant writer perhaps and the project manager? And a discussion I had last night with a spiritual sister reminded me that the more stressed out I feel about my savings and about the economy the more I am sending out the wrong vibrations. I don't have to buy into the popular media's stories. That helped me turn around this worry and provide me with some power in this area. I'm going to start trusting my intuition on this one, just like I trusted last year that I did have have more than enough and that I could donate more money. I did just that and felt no financial bumps. I just trusted and believe in a story where I could be generous and it became MY TRUTH.

I know I will lose the momentum again. I know there will be more bumps but I've put together a couple of things I can reference when I get down, when I start losing steam to help bolster me. And I plan to remember that next time I feel powerless or directionless, to own it and allow it and take care of myself. I will trust that it is temporary and that if I support myself well, I will find the energy to continue on. I just have to stop beating myself up about it all!

quiet

2010-03-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

So I haven't known what to say here. I've been inundating myself with the state of the world - blogs on the environment, movies on social causes and just feeling powerless. I think part of it is another backwards way to keep myself down, small. All this information convinces me that "I" can't make a difference. And then I have this convenient excuse to stay small. "Well… it's just too big for poor little me to do anything about…". Another strange way to immobilize myself.

But I talked about it at the group meeting last week and I'm ready to see it in a new perspective. I'm ready to act on what I can and be OK with what I can't do and I'm ready to forgive myself for not being able to be a super "anti-plastic guru" or to take drastic measures and become vegan. And hopefully that will also allow me to be kinder and gentler with everyone I encounter - realizing that we are all doing the best that we can. I've had some really great talks with V. over the past week as I try to work through all of this (and other stuff!) and he has this incredible capacity to listen and to offer space for me without judgment. As I read last night with a friend from this great book: Creating a Spiritual Relationship: Forgiveness is really about accepting people as they are.

I've also been bogged down with my 9 to 5 lately (it seems to be a reoccurring theme the last six months or more) but I was also reminded at the meeting that no matter where you go "there you are". I can't escape myself. I have been trying to but to no avail. For some reason no matter where I go there is a lack of leadership. Hmmm… what is the lesson here for me? What does this say about myself? I think I am finally ready to look at this. I've used the new notebook gifted to me by a fellow unraveller to chart a course for change. I've put my style statement on the front and this statement on the back and some great reminders that anything is possible in the keepsake flap. And starting on page one I have put different areas I need to research, possible people I need to approach and small steps that I can take to get myself moving.

And just like magic, after I start shifting my thoughts and focusing on action (rather than sitting and feeling powerless) I found that the Awakening the Dreamer Symposium is happening here in my town! Just what I need to move things forward even more.

reflection

2010-03-06T06:39:00.000-08:00

She saw herself reflected in the store window & then the sun changed & she disappeared & all she could see was her eyes & she remembered thinking, I make a very nice floor lamp & that was the day she decided to quit her job. ~Story People~

real

2010-02-19T16:37:00.000-08:00

Thank you David...

I really needed some hope and after reading your post I was just so happy that somebody gets it. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart.

(all) good

2010-02-11T19:09:00.001-08:00

- sirloin & malbec* & new potatoes & mushrooms & asparagus for a lovely dinner in (but what for dessert?)
- hot chocolate the last three nights... what is this? a precursor to Vday cravings?
- tix to see Basia Bulat this Saturday with a g-friend
- plans for brunch at a new house, Olympic ice dancing with a sports girl and awaiting confirmation of snowshoeing date
- visit to a friend's mom outside the city (who was my mom for one summer)
- too much ebay bidding - very excited about the shoes though!
- have Persuasion and Emma - two of the new adaptations of Jane Austen's novels
- trying to find organic eggs from a small local farmer whose chickens get to be free-range outside (at least in the summer!)
- loving these photos (and the idea behind) a slow year (Flickr's These Days in French Life)
- and really appreciated today's entry for Daily Om: Open Heart.

* mendoza - budini (didn't realize it was a cat on the label until I brought it home) - very, very, very good!

seven things

2010-02-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

you may not know about me...

- I fell in love hard with the word "tenacious" as a teenager but then I realized that I had the definition all wrong.
- I drove an eighteen wheeler once.
- I sometimes pick up worms on the sidewalks and move them over to the grass after rainstorms.
- I want to have a dog named Rook.
- I used to love filing my nails so that they would be square.
- When I lived in upstate new york I wanted to go on a tour of all the old theatres - the tri-state area I lived in had many.
- I haven't watched the news in over three years.

(tagged by Von)

create (1)

2010-02-02T18:26:00.000-08:00

.... something magical is happening here!

After I saw Sylvia and Fiona's blog, I was newly inspired to have fun and be creative. Last April, I reduced my hours at work so that I could have a day just for myself, to do the things that I keep putting off. But weeks turned into months and there was always something I HAD to do Mondays. There was laundry, cooking, shopping, gardening or catching up on something. Sure I did do some creative stuff: took the unravelling course, did some magazine collages, took a mixed media art course, worked on my blog(s), took some photos for the unravelling 365 group but that was few and far between and much of it didn't FEEL creative.

What I really want to explore on Mondays is doing mixed-media art, reconstructing clothes and making things for my home - beautiful things that I can treasure. So thanks to the two girls, I have renewed my zest for the idea and yesterday I took two hours out of my day and CREATED.

I poured some special tea...

put on my creativity amulet... : )

got out my odds and ends, paints and craft supplies...

and had some fun - made two very different pieces!

xo thanks girls! and happy creativity!

be

2010-02-01T08:43:00.000-08:00

I meditated on this thought this morning.

What came to me was:

I am so busy trying TO BE something, someone...

rather than just BE.

... so today I'm slowing down and being OK with my NOW.

Peace.

unplug

2010-01-31T21:06:00.000-08:00

You can get so lost in the internet. I spent way too much time yesterday on flickr, emailing friends, putting up new posts on my eco-blog, researching stuff, searching for new wardrobe pieces, "meeting" new people on Ottawa blogs and getting diverted by so many interesting things on etsy, etc.

And the week before I was so happy because I declared it an "internet-free" weekend and was true to my word. Stayed away from it for two full days. I need to find a better balance. I'm also worried about the tv. I have been able to process some things over the past couple of months but then there are the days, where I just tune out and disconnect - watch too many shows.

So from now on, I'll really have to find that happy medium and remind myself that I'm never going to get "caught up". I just have to make sure that I keep some of my goals in mind: cook more meals, do something creative every week, spend time with loved ones, work on the house and all those fun things in between!

So here's what's new:

- brought up my meditation table from the basement (and meditated this week - twice!)
- found a life coach - my friend and I committed to meet once a month and help each other on our goals (me: creativity/art, health and retraining!!)- our first meeting was last week
- our "roomie" went to the vets for a couple of days for a treatment which helped his kidneys out
- kick started some projects: electrical in the basement, storage in the front closet and a book shelf for the spare room upstairs
- cooking/baking more - made a great soup, some healthy muffins and got a recipe for bean burgers

And here's some creative blogs for inspiration:
- Parallel Vision (word of the week represented by a photo)
- Fifty-two Steps (two friends inspiring each other to do art!)
- Scott's Handmade Crafts (she's been working on the Joy Diet)
- Expressive Art Blog (time to do one of her e-courses!)

Got to start making that a priority!

wings

2010-01-31T09:34:00.000-08:00

Nature as inspiration - music in the sky...

Found these two great links online:

Birds as Musical Notes by Jarbas Agnelli (from Gus & Other Things) - Just Incredible!

Powerliner Flyers by Wes Johnston (from Genine's Art Blog) - beautifully set to song!

beat

2010-01-27T20:27:00.000-08:00

I was wondering in my head how can I face my fears better, how can I open my heart more? And that afternoon I found the answer in a magazine, talking about holding a place for the fear, not denying it and opening up to it. It's like acknowledging it, "yes I am afraid, here is the fear" and just accepting it.

And then doing the thing that is frightening you. Being ok to be afraid AND go ahead and do it.

I am afraid.

I am almost numb to the fear though.

I realize more and more that certain things shut me down and I just keep operating like everything is normal. The shell of me continued on. This shut down-ness feels normal.

I keep coming back to this realization, but it's almost like I have to keep waking myself up.

I always thought of myself as a very emotional person but after my experiences over the last decade I've taught myself to push it all down and ignore it all.

It takes a long time to rebuild that strength. It will take along time to become that support I need. I will have to repeat to myself over and over again - you can trust again...

I found this so incredibly moving: It will not be bottomless... (Thank you Sweet Olive!)

clarity

2010-01-13T18:15:00.000-08:00

thankful for a heavy december that brought frustration and conflict because out of that there was a heartfelt talk and a new perspective about my family - she said she was proud of me.

grateful for my powerful celestite providing clarity this week as I worked back through some of my patterns with friends and relationships - I see clearer what I'm hiding from now.

full of peace at work - even while I'm laughing about my unexpected "first" day - it's wonderful to work with great people, feel the sun at your back and feel positive about tomorrow.

blessed to have found someone who so seamless fits with me, my lifestyle, my ebbs and flows and who can also show me a different perspective, throw in some levity and offer quiet comfort

continuing to appreciate with my whole heart all the wisdoms found at Intuitive Creativity: Expressing needs is a way to ask for connection. "I hurt, I ache. I am unsure. Please hold me." It is through this kind of connection that our lives become deep and meaningful. October 02, 2006 - Expressing Needs

anew

2010-01-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

I have been moving through a lot over the past month or so and I have many to thank. I appreciate the people surrounding me for reflecting what I need to work on - shining light on the areas that need attention. I am actually surprised that it is so many, in so many aspects of my life but perhaps by being truthful to one person (including acknowledging my own weakness) where our friendship has been lacking for years and finally coming into full awareness that my struggle against my ego will never move me forward (the key word that has been coming to me lately is "acceptance") this has opened up a whole plethora of opportunities of healing.

I have shed tears and tried to stay open - tried to stay present to my feelings and let them shine. I am working on accepting them rather than being in denial and truly awakening to the fact that I have to love the broken parts - not just in the privacy/safety of my own home but also when I interact with the world. I think that is why I've been hiding for the past two years not venturing out into dangerous territories where I have to interact. I think that is why I've done a 360 from a social life to a life at home (rather than find myself that balance that happy medium). I see now that this was a way that I could avoid seeing my ego in all its full glory. But it feels like I may finally be ready for seeing myself - accepting myself. I am ready to say "this is me" - I'm not perfect, I'm hurting, I'm angry, I can be childish but I’m also aware of my ego and want to change.

It's getting easier to admit when my ego does damage. I may not be truly in the wrong. I may not be responsible for how someone else reacts or the emotions I trigger in someone else but I can still acknowledge their feelings and the difficulty of a situation and allow for easier interaction. I can also love my own inner (needy) child and recognize the unconscious acting out and heal that at the same time. I can see both sides and help the child while still acknowledging, from an adult point of view, how I want to interact better with people.

It's funny - what makes me shrink from this is knowing that people will think that "they were in the right" and that my olive branch is acknowledging my imperfections ("when they should be the ones learning to improve themselves" my ego says). But what do I really want? Freedom from my ego or the pretense of "being perfect". I think I'm finally willing to let that "perfect" go and just be me. And grow from there and take every opportunity to become a more loving, compassionate person.

A huge debt of gratitude to Shelly for her blog which I've been diving into over the last couple of weeks - there is so much wisdom there, so much support, so much compassion - it has helped me open.

I cannot change anything in my life until I love my life just as exactly as it is.

Yet all parts of ourselves have a plan to try and feel better. Some of these parts are very young and needy. There is great honor in seeing this and accepting this in myself. Awareness is the healing.

Intuitive Creativity

dream

2010-01-07T21:59:00.000-08:00

1. Stay at Hunting Island State Park in South Carolina one spring. The state’s biggest park - with cabin rentals just a short walk to the beach. From Penelope Illustrations: "The beach there is the best I’ve ever seen. Lots of big trees and trails to walk and stuff. They actually filmed the vietnam scenes from Forest Gump there! It’s so lush…"

2. Work on a gratitude list leading up to my 40th birthday. Start on July 4th. Loved Vero's series - original inspiration here: Maitexu - also for my bday a big party with zip lining in the day and hot tub at night!

3. Take another creative e-course - this time more focused on writing or art rather than photography... I'll list some here when I find them.

4. Run a 10 K. I started training for one twice. Once I had to quit after I was two-months into it due to an injury. The other time I quit after a couple of weeks due to lack of motivation.

5. Write one poem a month for visual poetry in 2010. Publish them no matter how bad they are - keep writing!

6. Connect with creative friends - get inspired! Make dates! Paint out in the countryside on a porch! Go and support a writer at their poetry reading! Enjoy stretching those creative bones.

7. Go on a yoga retreat by the ocean (in warm climes). Inspiration (and photo above) from Marianne Elliott and her description of her yoga retreat in Bali.

8. Triplex or condo?? What next home will work best with the lifestyle you both choose. Start exploring the possibilities and also look into a summer home - start making the first steps towards these dreams.

9. Do another silent retreat - this time for a week with an organization you believe in like True North Insight. Look into another weekend one for 2010?

10. Do the Art in Gibberish course - enjoy something hands on, face to face with an instructor. Go on a Creative Workshop in the next five years somewhere outside of the country.

11. Finish knitting your scarf and then start on your sweater. Can this be done by the end of the winter? Also finish the throw - do the edging! Get serious - make your tv time productive! : )

12. Next spiritual retreat: at an ashram - I've heard good things about the "Art of Living" one north of Montreal. Find something that speaks to you and start planning.

13. Take a yoga and dance and/or a NIA(?) class - start giving your body a chance for expression. (Inspired by Bliss Chick.)

14. Create a more organized, tidy, peaceful home with items that I LOVE. If it's not a "hell yes" then it must be a "hell no". Purge - simplify and really create a sanctuary you both can call HOME.

15. Fix up our kitchen with new counter tops and an island. Hire someone to give you advice on design. How about a Green Room in a Box?

16. Tackle the list of furniture that needs to be fixed, reupholstered or refinished: the coffee table, the wingback chair, the tallboy dresser and the loveseat - take the steps to design the perfect home/sanctuary - even if it means you have to repaint. And start sewing some curtains!

17. Go visit friends in St. Catharine's. Tour some wineries on bike and spend an afternoon along side the lake. Relax and relish a weekend away.

18. Leave some winged messages for people or be a graffiti artist or write a poem in chalk on the sidewalk. Spread some love. Be the reason for someone's smile.

19. Enjoy more music - got to an outdoor concert this summer, download songs that you love, bring your walkman to listen to while traveling. Get your Walkman loaded with music. (Allison Sattinger, Basia Bulat, Feist, Exactly - A. Steinberg, Florquestra Brasil, Jacksoul, D. Usher - and so we run...)

20. Take three months off and drive from Seattle to Baja along the west coast. Stop and visit family and friends along the way. Plan something big for the end of the trip.

21. Become an EARS Volunteer - go to the workshop and become more active locally. Do one animal rescue course a month. Remember how much you liked working at the Wildlife Sanctuary?

22. Make a great meal from all local food, that includes a couple of courses and a great dessert. Eat it outside on the lawn with friends around a big table.

23. Do some fun stuff like rock & bowl, go carting, games night, trampolining, scavenger hunt... Live a life sans ruts by doing something different each month - even if it's just going home a different way.

24. Find a cafe or restaurant that serves a great café crème like what you had in Paris. Relive the moment. Slow down your day. Make the cup last for hours while you plan your next trip to the city of lights!

25. Meet an online friend. Remember the first time you met your penpal of ten years? How exciting would that be - maybe an unraveller or someone from the local green community. Just go out there and enjoy connecting!

25 things to do... (inspired by Hula 70) My apologies for not knowing who to credit (other than M. Elliott) for the beautiful, inspiring photos - only the two hand photos are mine.

new (decade)

2010-01-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

*
*

"We could talk about the acomodador: the moment in our lives when we decide to abandon our desires and make do, instead, with what we have."

I read "The Zahir" over the holidays and it got me thinking about all the times I agreed that I was not great, where I got discouraged or started thinking small or just dialed it down, allowing mediocrity to get the best of me.

The fear always creeps in and makes my steps slow, my mind accept that what I know is much better that what I don't know and my heart shrink.

*
*

I have looked through the photos of 3191 and it has shown me that this desire for quiet, simplicity, creativity, natural materials, textures and light is shared by many. It shows me a world where the basics are appreciated and moments can be slowed down - where PRESENT is all we have.

This is truly what I want in the new year - a life full of simple riches, enjoying basic pleasures and relishing what is right in front of me.

*
*

I read Oprah this holiday and await my first Body and Soul of the new year. I am hoping for much guidance towards creativity, fulfillment and a richer more meaningful life. It is time - I can feel the slight shift that will alter my focus and connect me with something more. New friends are entering my life sending light and love and I feel blessed. I must remind myself that I am not alone.

I can hear the messages from the Universe, I see the many ways that we are all supported and I am grateful for this great energy that I want to empty myself into.

Blessings of peace and surrender to all.

*
*

metamorphosis

2009-12-30T19:57:00.000-08:00

"If nothing ever changed there would be no butterflies"

- Unknown

denial

2009-12-28T11:14:00.000-08:00

"peace of mind and heart"

Holiday wishes from afar. This end of year has been really emotional for me. I thought as the eve of the 24th came around that it would be good to have some time off from work and the stress I feel there but I didn't find respite. It was all bottled up and with the lack of sleep and stress from the holidays (don't we all just want it to be perfect?), I just found more emotions as the evening unfolded and it continued into the 25th also.

I just can't accept my shadow side.

It's been revealed to me and I just keep fighting it, denying it and wishing it away.

I do have my moments, where I can support myself and try to work through things but this is not the norm - the way I operate daily is in a state of denial. I think the biggest issue of mine is just accepting. Welcoming it, acknowledging that it is a part of me and that it is OK to be imperfect, to have my moments of anger, frustration, judgment and neediness. To really see myself as human and accept myself as I am.

And this in turn would help me accept others more also.

So I guess that's the biggest thing that I am hoping for in 2010, is to accept the imperfect me.

vision

2009-12-26T20:36:00.000-08:00

right (write)

2009-12-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

I used to be a writer. That is, I used to be someone who writes. I wrote in journals, I wrote creative essays for the most boring classes, I wrote poetry, writing was just a part of being. I would read something that made me take a sharp intake or my hands would start burning/tingling at a certain passage - my connection to words was physical, mental and spiritual. I would connect favorite alliteration, unusual poetic prose that made me feel like a light breeze was lifting me up and I still remember a passage from the Great Gatsby that made me stand still.

I didn't become an English major, I didn't want this pleasure to become a dull job, I didn't want to tame this love or define it by four neat walls. Part of the joy of the word was that it seemed like a wild creature - by knowing all the terms and the rules and the idiosyncrasies, the mystery and magic would be gone. I also didn't want to face my failings - what if I wasn't good enough, what if I didn't measure up in university to everyone else? So I took another path and with that, my dalliances with writing became less and less.

I loved writing emails and postcards after I graduated. I would send out tons and write with the angst and energy of my youth. Last spring I found one in my friend's basement on a bulletin board and wondered where that girl was, how did the words flow so smoothly from my pen to that paper, where was that tug with words now? And over the last year, as I consider this path I am on and play with entries in my head, just like this one, I have felt that urge, that desire to leap out of bed and capture the disappearing words before they faded from my head.

I always talk about wanting to write again but here I'm stymied. Someone asked point blank what I wanted to write - novels, short stories, children's books, poetry and for me it's not like that. I just want to write. Again I realize my negative reaction is when I try to put a box around it - when I try to define it and tame it too much. I just want to write.

In some ways I am enamored by the blog format, I have seen it used so incredibly well to write personal passages that are so raw and real, I have seen fun entries that sound like short stories but are so quirky and unexpected that I visit often to see what's next, and I have seen vivid details of a moment, a period in time, almost like a snapshot and it becomes almost like poetry. I just want to write. And I want to see where my writing takes me - not the other way around.

Here is some truly talented, crafty and intriguing prose from some amazing writers ...

- Sarah Salway's 50 word stories

- Brokentype's Entries - like this and this

- Ampersand's "Interesting People" entry

- Amy Belk's Flickr posts such as "Is a Dream a Lie..."

It's time to get inspired to write!

narrow

2009-12-22T19:16:00.000-08:00

This blog full of wisdom was recommended to me by a friend - here's a great quote:

"once we narrow our focus and articulate what we want to move toward, we naturally begin to let go of what no longer serves us and even though that’s a very good thing, there is a loss of sorts.... accepting yourself for who you really are at the very core and creating a structure that is completely aligned with your nature is the best feeling in the world."

From "Why Can't I be You?" by Melanie Ward

I can feel myself at times, narrowing - seeing more clearly the path, feeling in sync with my core being but then later, I pull back, deny this part and just want to continue on as I have always known, not willing to let go of anything. There is so much trust involved, something that I am still getting comfortable with, something that I need to sink into deeper.